Psychic Jim's Horoscopes for June 2025

As the great philosopher Jean Paul Gaultier once said, "La fille aux gros œufs bleus et aux longs chevaux blonds détient le secret du bonheur et de la nuit éternelle." According to the little French dictionary that I've had for several decades, this roughly translates as, "The girl with the big blue eyes and the long blonde hair holds the secret to happiness and eternal night." Or it might be blue eggs and blonde horses? Who knows, I'm an astrologer, not a Frenchman. So, the interpretation of this is that, if you want to find happiness and/or a night that never ends, you need to look out for somebody with big blue eggs and a blonde horse. Preferably a French person. Eggs and horses are probably metaphors for something else though, like new life… and, um, something to do with animals. I should have studied English instead. Do you remember Nestle Animal Bar? I wonder what happened to them.

Summer officially arrives in June. Well, unless you live on the other side of the planet, in which case it'll be winter. Even so, the arrival of a new season will inspire you to spend some time in your garden. Sadly, you don't have any garden furniture, and you don't really relish the idea of sitting on your lawn surrounded by nature alone. Nope, you need clutter to make the outside feel like the inside. Rather than rectifying this by visiting your garden centre, you will instead decide to drag your indoor furniture outdoors. First the sofa, then the coffee table, then the bookshelf. Then the Kallax cube unit you once bought from Ikea. Then the TV from off your wall, the rug, the welcome mat, the plants, lamps, bulbs, and laminate flooring, As you like familiarity and to ensure you don’t get confused, you’ll put them all in their usual layout, with the exception of the TV which needs to be propped up against the wheelie bin as you couldn’t take the wall outside. Once done, you'll settle onto your settee, switch on the TV, and scroll Netflix endlessly to find something to watch. But, you'll decide you need a drink. You'll walk out of your outdoor living room to find the kitchen isn't where it needs to be. "Ah!" you'll think. Or say. "I've left the kitchen in the house!" So, you'll drag that out too - units, microwave, kettle, fridge, air fryer, and all. Problem solved. Your day outdoors will go well, until day becomes night and you decide it's time for bed. It will be then that you realise that it might be a while until you can actually get to bed though. Your bedroom isn't where it should be either.

Charles Dickens once wrote "A Tale of Two Cities." If you know classic English literature like what I do, you'd know that the two cities he wrote about are in fact Manchester and Leeds. In the Manchester section of the book, Mr Dickens talks about the beautiful poetry of Manchester United’s descent into mid-table obscurity coinciding with Manchester City’s purchase of several league championships and other silverware. Also how Coronation Street used to be good, but nowadays seems to explode an almost weekly basis. He also wrote about the reunion of Manchester's most famous brothers: Steve and Andy McDonald. Oh, sorry, Liam and Noel Oasis. And there was the bit about how Vimto was invented there. Yes, that was a particularly juicy bit. The Leeds section wasn't quite as interesting. He wrote about the White Rose Shopping Centre and whatever else Leeds is famous for. It wasn't a very big section. It’s quite a bleak tale really. He nearly titled the book as such, until he realised he'd already written a story about a bleak house and didn't want it to sound like a sequel. Anyway, inspired by Charles Dickenseseses's story about these two northern English cities, you will decide to make a pilgrimage from one t'other, as they'd say up there. Now, back in Mr Dickens’ time, he would have had to trek over the Pennines on foot or by horse. That would have been a journey that would have taken him about 6 months. But in these modern 21st Century times, you can do it in just 50 minutes. Just get yourself an open return ticket for the TransPennine Express and you can go back and forth between Manchester Victoria (MCV) and Leeds (LDS) until your heart is full of Northern joy. Actually, I’ve been on a TransPennine Express train. You probably are best walking it.

You've always been a bit suspicious of June. And who can blame you? Remember that time when she promised she'd water your plants when you went away once, and you came back to find them all dead. Even worse, she'd also cut the heads off them. Although she denied it, you knew it was her because she displayed them in her window sill for months. Whether it was out of spite, or whether it was for decoration, you never found out. Each year, when you realise that June is just around the corner, you find yourself feeling edgy and anxious. But this year, I implore you, no I urge you, don't let June get the better of you. Every morning in June, I want you to stand in front of your mirror and, when you do your daily affirmations, say out loud, "I am strong. I am powerful. June is a cowbag. I am strong. I am powerful. June is a cowbag." And you'll soon discover that June no longer controls you or your emotions. Well, that is until you spot her stealing the pegs off your washing line each time you hang out your laundry. She'll deny this too, even though she'll have them on display in her window. So it might be worth heeding my other advice. Stay suspicious, stay on guard, stay alert.

As my publishers are intent on global domination, and feel that I'm the conduit that can help them to achieve this, they have pointed out that sometimes my horoscopes are a little too niche. They're a little too British-centric. They need to appeal to a wider audience, specifically the one on the other side of the Atlantic Lake. So, here's a more US-friendly prediction. Yee-hah! Slap a tariff on my ass, and pour me a Bud! Y'all are going to be superbowled over this month when a banner made of red, white and blue spangles and stars waves its way through your township in honour of your country's superiority and freedom and other stuff you like to convince yourself you have. If not, you’ve always got the Second Amendment and the right to arm bears, or whatever it is it does. Gee wizz! Heck. Rootin-tootin, something something, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A! There, will that do?

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This month, Cupid is firing his arrows in your direction. He's clearly a bit unhinged. Somebody needs to take his weapons off him before he does some serious damage. Anyway, as anybody knows, as well as being dangerous, Cupid's arrows also equal love, and that's what the stars predict for you this month. And it'll happen when you least expect it. You may be in the supermarket, browsing the cornflakes, and be approached by a stranger saying, "Nice cornflakes. Maybe we can have them together one morning?" Yep, this is what they call a meet cute. It’s when you meet a potential romantic partner in unusual circumstances. It could happen in the fruit aisle. While staring at strawberries, you might be propositioned with the line, “Are you feeling a little fruity too? Fancy some strawberries and cream with me?" Or it might happen in the bathing products aisle. "Oh baby, I’d love to lather you up. Shall we have some fun in the bubbles?" Or, perhaps in the world foods aisle. “Oh my, that Sharwood’s Jalfrezi jar, It makes me feel both saucy and spicy.” Or maybe be in the toilet paper aisle. "I don't know about you, but I'd really like to wipe your bum." Hmmmmm, maybe that one won't lead to big romance. Or it might.

As a Libra, you like to believe that you exist on a higher cultural plane than the other signs of the zodiac. Of course, this is true - you do actually exist on a higher cultural plane. You listen to and play classical music. You know your Bach from your Beethoven, your Strauss from your Stravinsky, your Chopin from your Chopoff. You also like to read books, and of course, broadcast this fact to the world. “Fnarr fnarr,” you will say with an air of smugness and superiority to anybody that shows a sign of interest. “It’s only June and I’ve managed to read 246 books this year.” Of course, your literary choices include fantasy smut, partly because you’re also a bit of a perv, but as such filth and muck is in word form and not in video, it’s perfectly acceptable. You can claim it’s a deeply symbolic saga of political allegory, but it’s mostly orcs and abs, boobs and bottoms. You’ll also include audiobooks in your count, because having stories read to you somehow counts as having read them. And when you watch films, you turn off the sound, put them in black and white and play them double speed. It makes you think you’re watching artistic silent movies. Being on a higher plane also causes you to have deeper thoughts. You’ll ponder how the people who invented cheese actually managed it. Like, there’s a lot of weird processes somebody had to go through to eventually turn fluid from from an animal’s udder into a block of yellow deliciousness. But being superior also means being condescending. You look down on popular music, mainstream movies, and things like horoscopes. That means that there’s a good chance you won’t even read this. In which case, I can probably make up your horoscope and you’ll never know. Hmmmm, nope. I’d better not. I’d get thrown out of the Astrologer’s Circle. I can’t have that happening to me again.

Shhhh… don’t tell anyone. I’m expecting a mystery customer this month. I think it may be you.

This month will see you needing to make an important decision. The trouble is, you're torn between your heart and your mind. You know what you want to do on an emotional level, but when you apply logic to it, you’ll find making that decision becomes much more difficult. But the universe has been pushing you in a certain direction for months now. It's been laying the foundations and it's been preparing you for this moment. But more than just preparing you to decide one way or the other, it’s also being readying you to respond in the best possible way to whatever the consequences are of that decision. This means that whatever choice you make, it won’t be the wrong one. Follow your heart, and your mind will do the rest.

I don’t know what’s just happened there, I've come over all funny. Anyway, where are we now? So, June. Well, you'd better not be June, because if you are, you're a cowbag. This month, it's your local village's donkey derby. Do places still have donkey derbys? Or is it something I think I went to as a child but actually made up? Regardless, we'll pretend they exist. You want to attend the donkey derby, but you don't own a donkey. The closest you have is a clothes horse. As you want to don't want to feel left out, you'll take your clothes horse out of the cupboard under your stairs, drag it along to the donkey derby, climb on it and ride it around. It will be quite a sight. It will become even more of a sight when you get your leg stuck between two of its clotheslines. Unable to untangle yourself, you'll have no choice but to walk around the rest of the event attached to your clothes horse. Sadly it means that you won't be able to go on the bouncy castle or the helter skelter, but as your clothes horse is a fancy heated one that you bought off TikTok, you can always plug it in if it gets cool in the evening. You might even be able to keep your hotdogs warm on your glorified radiator horse. It'll actually be quite a genius move.

This month Jupiter, your ruling planet, will order you to take up a new hobby. However, as he's been told off about his tendencies to micromanage his subjects, he's decided to leave it up to you to choose a hobby. Looking for inspiration, you'll pick up a copy of Hobbies Monthly from your local newsagent, and find that it's full of ideas. You'll experiment with crochet, but get into a highly embarrassing situation when you get a slip knot stuck in your magic ring, stab yourself with a stitch marker, get your half treble confused with an invisible decrease and then have to frog everything. Yes, I know exactly what I'm talking about. You'll then turn to pottery, but the situation will be less Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore and more "there's more clay on the walls and ceiling than there is on the spinning wheel". You could try Zumba. Do people still Zumba? I'm sure I had Zumba Party or Zumba Fitness or Zumba Dance or Zumba Zumthing on the Wii years back. Oh, you should have seen me boogying away with the Wii Remote and Nunchuck. I was a latin dance master. But, the hobby you'll settle on will be hiking. Unfortunately, you don't have any sense of direction, you don't understand compasses, and your phone battery only lasts 8 hours. So, your day long hike will go on for 20 days. Fortunately, you chose to hike around a supermarket. Not your local one, as you wanted adventure. But you'll still be ok for food and drink. Eventually, you'll find your way home. See, this is the reason why Jupiter has to micromanage people. You're clearly dangerous when left to your own devices

After having seen the high price of sunflower oil at your local supermarket, you will decide to make your own. So, you’ll pop over to your local garden centre to buy some sunflower seeds. You could also buy some garden furniture while you’re there, but you’ve seen that your neighbour has put their indoor furniture outside instead so you might copy them. Anyway, you’ll get home, plant the seeds and, a few weeks later, up will pop a few happy little sunflowers. I always imagine sunflowers being happy anyway. They seem like happy plants. Now, how you turn them into oil seems to be a mystery. The seed pack doesn’t provide instructions on how this is achieved and you don’t trust the internet since AI took over. You’ll decide to wing it. You’ll pop down to your local car part shop, buy some oil, go home, chop up your sunflower plants (happy no more) and mix them in with oil. “Voilà!” you will exclaim “J’ai fait de l’huile de tournesol!” Quite why you’re speaking French, you’re not too sure. You don’t know the language, and don’t even understand what you’ve just said. You’ll attempt to cook something with your sunflower oil. But, you’ll soon discover that motor oil plus chopped up sunflower plus chicken and vegetables doesn’t actually create an appetising meal. You’ll still eat it anyway as you don’t like waste. And of course, if you have any vegetables left over, you could also attempt to make vegetable oil.

Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, electricity and Spotify once said “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” It’s rumoured that he said this because somebody pointed out that he stank a bit and suggested he might take a bath. But, the saying also has a little-known double meaning. It’s saying that although an idea is important, actually achieving success from it requires lots of hard work and effort. Now, I bet you didn’t know that! I did, but that’s because I’m also a genius. However, I don’t smell as much as Thomas Edison did, so I’d say I’m seventy percent genius, forty percent perspiration. How is this relevant to your prediction, you might ask. And you’d be perfectly entitled to do so, especially as this is meant to be a prediction and not me showing off. You can tell I’m a Libra can’t you? Well, it’s because you will have a great idea in June. You will decide that there aren’t enough hours in the day, so you’ll come up with a plan to add an extra hour in each day. If this works, you could add even more hours. From the 1st day of June, using your ninety-nine percent perspiration, you’ll go to great efforts to reprogram all your clocks to go up to 25 hours. You’ll even unscramble the mystery of how your oven clock actually works, and then add an extra hour to that too. The problem with having this extra hour in each day is that, you’ll gradually find yourself out of sync with the rest of the world. It won’t be long until you actually slip a day behind them. When the 18th September comes around for you, it’ll be 2pm on 23rd September for everybody else. To really make your plan work, you need to find a way to slow down Earth’s rotation, but you don’t have enough perspiration for that. Unsettled by the fact that everybody else lives in the future so therefore knows things before you do, you’ll have to switch to 23 hour days for a while to catch back up.